So a Goff and a Prep walk into a bar one day
by ParzivalHallows
Summary: Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Way and Lockhart are locked in a room together. Who will annoy the other first? Crack!fic.


Ebony and Lockhart trapped in a room together. Who will annoy the other first?

AN: I'm sorry but I just HAD to do this. You don't understand how much this has been bothering me. So, it's going to be **Enoby the goffik English Language Abuser** against **Lockhart the Insufferable Stuck-up prep. **

Who'll win? Hopefully we won't ever know…

…

_EBONY'S POV_

Vampire and I ran up the stairs looking for Dumbledore. We were so scared.

"Dumbledore Dumblydore!" we both yelled. Dumbledore came there.

"What is it that you want now you despicable snobs?" he asked angrily.

"Volsemort has Draco!" we shouted at the same time.

He laughed in an evil voice.

"No! Don't! We need to save Draco!" we begged.

"No." he said meanly. "I don't give a darn what Voldemort does to Draco. Not after how much he misbehaved in school especially with YOU Ebony." he said while he frowned looking at me. "Besides I never liked him that much anyway." then he walked away. Vampire started crying. "My Draco!" he moaned. (AN: don't u fik gay guyz r lik so hot!)

"Its okay!" I tried to tell him but that didn't stop him. He started to cry tears of blood. Then he had a brainstorm. "I had an idea!" he exclaimed.

"What?" I asked him.

"You'll see." he said. He took out his wand and did a spell. Then... suddenly…we were in a rume together with 2 uder people! My eyes widened and I gasped.

…

_LOCKHART'S POV_

I was watching the match with the other ungodly professors, who I knew were jealous of my good looks. The boy-who-lived was on his broom, riding around and looking for that little gold thing like it was his only stability in life. What a pathetic life he must lead! I can't believe people consider him almost as famous as me! As if!

I tried to turn my thoughts away from that, and thought of myself killing the boy-who-lived and then mind-wiping the people who witnessed! Yes, that would be perfect! Nobody would know. The plan is brilliant, why hadn't I thought of it before?

I heard groans and screams all of the sudden and my hands automatically flew to my hair. Had I forgotten to curl it this morning?

Then I realized nobody was looking at me (how rude!), and they were instead looking at the boy-who-takes-all-of-my-thunder. He was on the ground, thrown off of his broom with his arm sticking out in an awkward angle.

Without hesitation I raced down the stands to where he was lying, unconscious. He stirred as soon as I leaned over him, and his eyes widened. I guess it's because he saw how perfectly white my bleached teeth were.

"Oh no, not you," Harry mumbled. It was then I noticed his teammates surrounding me. I had to convince them that I wasn't about to murder him yet, so I said:

"Doesn't know what he's talking about!" had he caught on to my plan? I needed a diversion! "Not to worry Harry, I'm about to fix your arm."

"No!" Harry exclaimed, and I almost rolled my eyes. So fussy. "I'll keep it like this thanks…" was he trying to gain attention? I'd need to talk to him later. Give him tips on how to stay famous without becoming suicidal.

Maybe it was working though, I thought with frustration as a boy with a big silver thing came into view, clicking it and creating flashes of light.

"I don't want a photo of this, Collin!" Harry exclaimed. Ah, so that's why he was holding that ginormous silver thing.

"Lie back Harry," I informed him gently, trying to push him back down. "It's a spell I've preformed on countless occasions –"

"Why can't I just go to the hospital wing?" said Harry through clenched teeth.

Much to my annoyment, his side-kicks seemed to agree. How was I supposed to gain the spotlight with them all ganging up on me? "He should really, Professor," said a muddy Wood, who couldn't help grinning even though his Seeker was injured. "Great capture, Harry, really spectacular, your best yet, I'd say —"

"Stand back," I said, rolling up my sleeves.

"No — don't —" said Harry weakly, but I was twirling my wand and a second later had directed it straight at Harry's arm. Our surroundings had changed. I looked around and spotted two other people.

They both looked straight out of Knockturn Alley. The boy had black hair with red tips, a pentagram on his forehead, and so much makeup it ran down his face. The girl was incredibly hot. She had purple hair that was black too and almost as much makeup as the boy. They both had red eyes.

The girl gasped when she saw us. "Who da fuck are you?" she yelled, then turned to the boy next to her. "Vampire Potter you what the fuck did you do!"

The boy – Vampire – looked startled. "I learned it in our biology class!"

The girl rolled her eyes and turned back to them. "WHY IS DARE A FUKIN 4 YEAR OLD HEAR?"

I felt Harry stiffen next to me. He opened his mouth to say something, but suddenly both he and that Vampire kid disappeared.

"Vampire?" the girl whimpered, then started crying.

_EBONY'S POV_

Vampire disappeared and left me alone with this stupid fuckin prep poser. I bust out crying and tears of blood ran down my arms.

"Hello darling!" the man said. "STFU you fuckin poser!" I snaped at him. The creepy fucker just smiled and his teath wear so wite that it made a light go on me. I screamed because light hurts me because I vampire like in vampire chronicals and if u haven't herd of that ur a prep so GTFO of her!

"What the fuck just happened and why did Drako and Vampire disapear? And who the fuk r u!"

"I am Gilderoy Lockhart! 3rd class –"

"Yea whutever like I give a flyng fuck about you!"

Lockhard looked mad and I was suddenly scared for my lyfe. "GET DA HELL AWAY FROM ME I DON'T WANT TO SCREW YOU I ONLY SCREW MY BF YOU SICK PERVERT!" and then I grabbed my wound and made a spell. Lockheart went flying, but before he did he took out his wound too and then he cast a spell and both of our wounds went away and we were both pantting because we were sleepy rom the fight we just had. I wish Drago had been hear to see me beet the hell out of dis fucking poser prep. I only wish I knew how to kill him, but then I knew that I knew the spell so I said: "ALVADA KABRADA!" but he didn't die! I was so fucking scared and I pulled out a steak to kill myself because I didn't want to be killed by that perverted fucker in front of me. Snap and Loopin were probably in disguise inside of him and the thought made me so depressed that I used the steak to slit my wrists.

_LOCKHART'S POV_

I couldn't believe it! She had just said she didn't give a…well…whatever about me! How dare she insult my good looks and all of my make-believe stories. The hater didn't know anything!

Just as I was about to say something she grabbed her wand and pointed it at me. So, on instinct, I reached for my wand too.

"_Uselessius spellius!"_ at the same time she screamed: _"ALVADA KABRADA!" _

Both of our wands went out of our hands and I was flying backwards, but then I got back up. Our wands were still gone forever. I was panting from where I had fallen, since I hit the floor really hard. My hair was most likely ruined. My jade-green clothes were in a disarray. My day was ruined and _my smile hadn't worked!_

I felt like crying, but I knew that I would have to be extra charming if I were to charm this witch!

All of the sudden she pulled out a piece of meat and stuck it over her heart, then she grabbed it and put it on her wrists, but the only blood that came out was the blood from the extra-rare steak.

"Can I have some of that?" I asked her with my most charming smile.

"Fuck off prep!" she screamed, and threw the steak at me. I caught it and started masticating with it. Her eyes widened and suddenly her red colored contacts fell out, and her blue eyes were wide with tears.

"OH MY SATAN HAVE YOU CIME TO RAPE ME LIKE SNAP AND LOOPIN? YOU PERVERT!"

"I'm not a pervert!" I exclaimed, shocked. Who did she think I was? "I always wait for the witch to turn seventeen before I give her a chance with me! After all, little girls have cooties, and I don't want them affecting my beautiful body that everybody worships. It takes me five hours a day to spray-paint these abbs on!"

She gave me an odd look. "You spray-paint ur body?"

"Yes," I said, smiling. "It works."

"OMFHG!" she exclaimed. "I SO SPRAYPAINTED MY HAIR UPRLE THE OTHER DAY! Like do you go to Hot Topic and get ur spraypaint too?"

"Um, what?"

"Ya know, Hot Topic. Duh, there's like…1 in every Hogsmade store ever!"

"I don't know what you're referring to… but have you seen the latest poster of me in Honeydukes –"

"What is dat, a prep store?" she scoffed and checked out her nails which were black and red with crossbones on them. "No fangz, I dont go to stoopid prep clothes like you poser!"

"What is a prep?"

Her hands dropped to her side and she stared at me like I wasn't the most famous wizard in the world. I sort of felt bad for her. She obviously didn't know who I was. "YOUR A PREP!" she yelled sadly. "And ur not a satantits becuz I no for a fact that u like shitty colors like pink and shit, who the fuk lykes pink?"

This girl was really starting to get on my nerves. "Pink is a very fashionable color I'll have you know!" I exclaimed. "Anyway, your clothes are so outdated. NOBODY would even spare you a second glance, especially when I'm near you."

"YOU FUKIN POSER! Satan! I fuking hate you! My Drko is getting toretered and ur fucking yelling abut stoopid fucking clothes? Black is the in thing, unless yor a fucking prep, so get the fuck out of hear asnd leave ne alone, ugh!"

"How dare you!" I exclaimed. "I am no poser, people pose after me! They wish they could be me, just like you wish you could be me! Or at least with me. I mean, who wouldn't? I'm absolutely perfect in every way imaginable! And if you think AHHHH!"

The last thing I remembered was a flash of green light, and then everything was black.

_ENOBY'S POV_

I screemed and suddenly Vampire was dere but he was with that migit kid, and den I noticed that he had a scar on his forehead that looked like Vampire's when he was seeing into Volsemorts mind with telekanesis! "OMFG!" I yelled in a depressing voice. "Vampire is that you? Why didn't you fuckin tell me that you werent always goffik? Go away I hat you now and bring yur stupid little self with you and den you can fuk Loopin nd Spane and Willow that fuckig bitch who I hate, because Draco is mine so fuck off you prep! Oh and u totally just kiled that poser."

Vampire and little Vampire – Harry – exchanged a look. Then they pinted there wounbs at me and there was a black light and it qwas so deprezzing and den I realized that Vampire was a goff like me abd that he turned goffik, but then I was killed but since I was a vampire the light turned into a steak and hit me in the hart and then I died.

…

Vampire and Harry

"Thank you so much for getting me out of that stupid fanfiction," Vampire giggled. Harry shrugged, "no problem. Thanks for getting rid of this guy, he was a total prat."

"No problem," Vampire said, and they shook hands. Vampire turned to leave but Harry said, "oh, and Vampire?"

"Yeah?"

"Wipe that gook off of your face."

Vampire grinned, "I've been waiting for somebody to say that this whole fanfiction."

**Yeah, this was a lot better in my mind…**


End file.
